We spoke of many things. We discussed impending death; we talked about final arrangements; we made plans. The one thing we never talked about was what he wanted for me in the future. Did he want me to meet someone else? Would that make him happy or not? I hate it when people justify their actions by saying so and so “would have wanted it.” But I do wonder sometimes what my direction should be. How do I honor him? Is it disrespectful to find happiness with someone else? At the moment the very idea of that is so foreign to me I almost can’t fathom it and have no desire to even think about it. But other people seem to think I should be looking to meet someone. I can’t imagine it. The funny thing is that when people I know find a new partner after losing their spouse, I am only happy for them; I think, good for him/her, people deserve to be happy. I wonder why I can’t think the same way for myself.
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