Bargain Basement

For the past couple of weeks I have felt an (even more) oppressive grief. Why now? Over and over I replay those final days in the hospital--did I act too soon? Could I have waited, and perhaps he would have been able to come home? I asked the doctor directly to tell me if I was wrong, to tell me if she thought I was jumping the gun. I couldn't consult with Philip; I couldn't ask him what I should do. All I could do was to believe in myself, believe that Philip was clear about his wishes and that he was ready, believe the doctor when she said the antibiotics weren't working and that he was not going to get better. But still. Could we have had more time?

The Therapist says this is a form of bargaining as well as a sort of survivor guilt. He also said it's normal, which makes me feel marginally better. He said it's my way of (somewhat masochistically) keeping him alive and with me. I don't think I would have thought about the bargaining part, but it makes sense. I do want to keep him alive; but the thought that I actually hastened his death horrifies me. The Therapist assured me that I did the right thing--I made the only possible decision under the circumstances. My head knows this. My heart is a little behind the curve.

Why now? I feel as though I'm regressing. He says this, too, is pretty normal. If I've learned anything, it's that grief comes in waves, not in "stages." He surprised me by suggesting that this might be happening to me now because The Therapist is going on vacation for a couple of weeks, and it's entirely possible that I am, at some level, reacting to that; another interesting possibility that I'm willing to consider. I confide in very few people, and The Therapist is the only one I've really opened up to. My reptilian brain may be reacting to this short lived "abandonment." Meanwhile, I'm exhausted and two seconds away from crying most of the time.

On the good news front, I'm going to Waters Edge in Connecticut in June for a week. My first solo vacation, and I'm hoping it will be relaxing and restorative.