That vacation frame of mind is way too quick to disappear. Now that I remember how nice it is to get away both mentally and physically, I must do it more often.
The Therapist keeps trying to impress upon me that opening myself up to people who care about me will make me feel more connected and less emotionally adrift. And yet I persist in keeping my emotions in check, in maintaining the best facade of normalcy that I can. Honestly? I've been this way for most of my life; I've always found it somewhat embarrassing to show my emotions in public. Where this came from, I have no idea--certainly not from my parents. I can come up with lots of reasons (excuses?), many of which might actually be true. I also know that it mostly boils down to fear. I am trying my best to keep my equilibrium and I don't want to do anything that might disrupt my carefully constructed balance. Something like not looking directly into the sun.
Sometimes the full weight of what has happened to me hits me, and it's scary. I hate looking weak, so I try very hard to always be "fine." Reminds me of what Gil used to say when he asked me how I was doing, and I said, "fine." Fine: fucked up, insecure, neurotic and emotional. That about says it all. And besides, I'm not really that sure other people want to hear about it. It must get boring after a while. And I sure as hell don't want to give my mother something else to worry about.
I've come through two pretty huge, life changing traumas and I think it's fair to say that I've been pretty resilient, at least I hope so. If I'm insulating myself as a protective measure, so be it.
I need more vacation!
No comments:
Post a Comment